An Open Letter to Iran's Grand Poobah

An Open Letter to Iran’s Grand Poobah

The 22nd of Bahman may not ring many American bells but it’s shaping up as an eventful day for Iranians, and for the Great Satan if they follow through with their sinister plans.

It isn’t an official Iranian or Islamic holiday but it sure is time for celebration, as per Iran’s top “holy” cleric, commander in chief, chief bottle washer, and beard shampooer, ”Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.

Sorry to sound disrespectful to a religious leader but what he said on Monday wasn’t very religious: ”Iran is set to deliver a ‘punch’ that will stun world powers during this week’s 31st anniversary of the Islamic revolution.”

That threat doesn’t command or invite any respect so Ali gets none.

The Iranian revolution was effectively launched when Iran’s air force signed up for revolt by throwing its support to Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini thereby giving him the gonads to order the seizure of the American embassy in Tehran in 1979.

Khomeini’s heir, Grand Poobah Ali Khamenei, went on to be somewhat more specific saying, “The Iranian nation, with its unity and God’s grace, will punch the arrogance (Western powers) on the 22nd of Bahman in a way that will leave them stunned,” according to an AFP report: http://bit.ly/dnFZEb

Big doings must indeed be in the Iranian playbook for the near horizon since Iran’s less-than-holy President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has chimed in with threats against the West to commemorate that mass kidnapping of Americans.

Those threats coincide with a new Usama bin Laden tape so something must truly be afoot.

I feel an open letter to the ayatollah is in order. This should be the prerogative of America’s President Barack Hussein Obama but I’m not certain he’s up to the task. It therefore falls to me, Joe Citizen, to compensate for America’s ineffectual leadership.

Tuesday, February 9th (Bahman the 20th)

Dear Ali,

I hope no offense is taken to my use of your given name since no offense is intended.

I feel this is a friendly, personal missive and I’d like us to be on a first name basis, sort of like when Barack had his beer summit here with Sgt. Crowley and that prof Henry Gates last July.

If and when you respond, you can call me Joe, ok, or Mr. C. if you insist on formality, and feel free to share the contents of this communication with Mahmoud and the other Muslim gutless maniac, Usama.

Now here’s the straight poop, as we say in the States.

First of all, Ali, we Americans don’t take kindly to threats. I might paraphrase the motto of our great state of Texas: “Don’t threat on me!”

That means, Don’t mess with us, okay?

We’ve been tolerating Iran’s nutty warnings for over 30 years now and I have to tell you, we’ve had enough, they’ve gotten very old.

If you want to come at us, then come at us, but cut the baloney. We’ve been tolerating Iran’s silly saber-rattling and, recently, missile-rattling for much too long.

I’m not saying to bring it on because Americans really don’t want any more war. However, if you choose to bring it on, starting on the 20th of Bahman or whenever, rest assured that you won’t get away with it.

You’re guaranteed to receive far more than you bring on.

You may be thinking that you have an easy mark with Obama in our White House but keep in mind it’s America’s White House, not his. The Obama clan are very temporary residents.

With your nascent nuclear program, you may be thinking differently than you were after 9/11/2001. Remember? When Iranians were scared, if I can be indelicate, sh*tless, at the thought Iran would be blamed and that Tehran could be reduced to a molten puddle by September 12th.

You may recall that time when the toothless chants of “Death to America” were suspended for a while in your mosques as you wondered if the Great Satan would take out the Great Persian Charade.

It didn’t happen then but it could be in your future should your Bahman 22nd threats not be just the usual bluster.

There’s an eye of newt spoiling your hummus if you think Americans will let any president get away with minimal retaliation if you guys do something very stupid.

Trust me, if you do something dumb by attacking us or our Western allies, either Obama will order a massive strike against your country or some disobedient officer will level Tehran and accept the consequences. He will then become an American hero.

Either way, your sorry excuse for a country will be returned to the 7th century.

The good news is that then you could personally ask Muhammed where you went wrong.

Mind you, Ali, this is not comparable to one of your warnings. As we say here, it’s not a threat but a promise and America follows through on its promises.

I know it’s late in the game but you made the rules and set the schedule.

The 22nd of Bahman is just two days away. I seriously suggest you call off any plans in progress, call off your terrorist goons, or else both you and we will regret it.

And trust me again, Ali, Iran and Islam will regret it far more.

I know Mahmoud believes the end is near as whackos on our street corners have been preaching for years and you may share that theory.

Whether that theory comes to fruition, whether Iran succeeds in delivering its “punching” and “stunning,” know that Iran will have precipitated it, which may be what you wish to accomplish.

However, as our Boy Scouts say, Be prepared. Be prepared with an alternative in case you merely succeed in wounding this sleeping tiger or our allies. One alternative might be to evacuate Tehran posthaste.

I realize that the new Islamic terrorist battle cry ”Allahu Akbar” is Arabic and not Farsi but do keep in mind that our pledge of retaliation is delivered with our own version of “God is great.” It goes, ”So help me, God,” which has the same effect. In spades.

Sincerely,

(Mr.) Joe Citizen