Some Are Finding It Rough in California

As if budget cuts, possible state bankruptcy by July, teacher layoffs, pay cuts of 10%, now comes what may be the most unkindest cut of all, a move back to two-ply from four-ply toilet tissue in the Riverside County section of the once-great State of California.

It’s sad but true. It must be true since the story was reported by the Old Gray Lady, the imminently-defunct New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/08/us/08toilet.html?_r=1.

Last year, the county laid out $270,000 just for that lavatory essential and finally decided, No mas! That third of a penny extra per sheet for the four-ply extravagance for the hundred or so execs out of the 18,500 county employees must now cope with the rough life endured by the other 18,400 county workers.

In a statement explaining why the Elite 100 had unilaterally upgraded from two to four-ply, county spokesman Tom Freeman said, “There was a texture test, and then the Facilities Management Department decided that Angel Soft would be utilized for elected officials and their guests. The remainder of the county facilities would be using two-ply.”

It’s unreported whether Freeman smirked when he made his statement.

You got a problem with that? After all, all civil servants are created equal but surely some are more equal than others when it comes to “texture tests” conducted by the Facilities Management Department.

The focus on the nether regions is not unprecedented for Californians. A few years back, environmental zealots, songstress Sheryl Crow and buddy Laurie David, had a terrific solution for the blight of global warming and it too centered on toilet paper.

In what I referred to in my book as “The One Square Rule” to save the planet, a variation on the “Two Ply Rule” to save Riverside County, Crow and David devised our salvation.

An excerpt from pages 31-32 of An Immodest Proposal for Ending and Winning the War on Terror:

“A little comic relief is always welcome, especially amid all the global warming gloom. To the rescue, armed with the most ridiculous suggestion yet for saving Planet Earth, comes Laurie Lennard David. Former talent scout, estranged wife of Seinfeld’s Larry David, jet setter, owner of sprawling estates on both coasts, producer of Gore’s documentary, global warming activist, and Savior of the Planet, she proposed a brilliant scheme. Teaming with a fellow unheralded enviro-expert, pop singer Sheryl Crow, they recently unveiled their well thought out plan to slow down the warming of the globe. Their proposal: a limitation of one square of toilet paper each time we have to skip to the loo.

(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheryl-crow/laurie-and-sheryl-go-tos_b_46320.html)


Seriously, folks, you cannot make this stuff up.

Neither Laurie nor Sheryl said whether they endorsed a Corps of Potty Police to insure adherence to the One Square Rule. There is no need anyway. When that which could not be cleaned up by one square of Charmin hit the fan, Ms. Crow had to eat some of her namesake bird. Following widespread mockery, she passed it off as a joke.

Her joke was forthwith forgiven, unlike Don Imus’ ‘nappy-headed ho’s’ witticism.

Sheryl is in the same league as Babs Streisand, an empty-head warbler . . .”

(http://genelalor.com)